Learning To Give Up Control

⁹ His wife said to him, “Are you still maintaining your integrity? Curse God and die!” ¹⁰ He replied, “You are talking like a foolish^[a] woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” In all this, Job did not sin in what he said. Job 2:9-10

Reading the book of Job this morning. Seeing the struggles he went through and how his circumstances around him seemed hopeless. He still continued to worship the Lord.  Then you see three of his friends go out and search for him. They wanted to find him and sympathize and comfort him during his darkest days. And when they found him they didn't leave him once they saw how bad his circumstances were. They stayed with him for seven days and seven nights.

After reading the first two chapters I realized storms are going to come, we aren't called to an easy life with no struggles as Christians.  There will be good days, months and even years. But those storms will come and when they do we have to learn to lean on Him. That He will give us the tools and His strength to get through these storms.

Job had a hopeless situation, but he kept his hope and his friends came to support him through his storm. That we were put here on this earth with a purpose and for a purpose. We cannot do life alone. When the storms come we have to lean on the people around us.

We may be facing another move again. When I found this out, I said to myself really? This can’t be true. We have moved every summer for the past three years. I started to feel like our summer months have been cursed. That the storms have come every summer for the past three years. Jayson has changed jobs two times in three years, which was out of his control. We have moved three times in three years. Fear was crippling me.

Then I started trying to plan and figure out the “what if’s”.  Can I really pack us up one more time? I mean after eight years in the Marine Corps you think I’d be a pro at moving us! Can we afford another move? How will little man react to moving again? Can I really do this pregnant? Then I had to stop myself with the questions, and I remembered the past 3 years. Each and every move has been a blessing, and each and every move has been provided for us. That the best is yet to come. Have faith.

He reminded me through my devotion “Your fear often manifests itself in excessive planning, your mind is so accustomed to this pattern of thinking that you are only now becoming aware of how pervasive it is and how much it hinders your intimacy with me.”

So, I know my little storm is so minute compared to some around me. Which their world is crashing and burning right now.  My heart breaks for these people that we know. I know we have gone through worse storms than this one, it’s all about His timing not mine. That I have to stop trying to control and plan the situations. 

Craving the Lord More than I Crave Food.

I have always loved to cook and in kitchen is where I find my comfort. Probably because I was raised in the South, where food is comfort. Having a Nana that taught me to cook. I love to host dinner parties and share recipes. Try new foods and restaurants. I love food!

About a year ago Jayson and I started talking about having another child, to give little man a sibling. I knew in my heart though what that entailed. The toll it would take on my body. Let me be the first to say this is not a blog to complain or whine. Between the lupus and the diabetes, I knew they both would rear their ugly heads at some point. I didn't know how God would use this to open my eyes.

We got pregnant October of 2013. We were so excited.  But then the diabetes started 12 weeks earlier this time. 12 weeks before I was ready. 12 weeks too soon. It hit me like a brick wall. So, I sat in my closet and cried for almost an hour. I knew it was coming, I knew it when I took both of my glucose tests, I felt in the pit of my stomach. I failed them before the doctor ever called with the results.

I know there are far worse things to be diagnosed with. And for all the brave and incredible women I know that were on bed rest, carried multiples or just had a rough pregnancy. I get it. Those pregnancies are hard. And I know women who would trade places with me in a split second just to be a mom. I cannot imagine how hard that is. I know every mom makes sacrifices to have a child, in some way or another.

I’m not asking for a pity party. I am just trying to give another women hope, that there are women out there that despise what pregnancy does to their body. Don’t get me wrong it is definitely worth it in the end, when you hold that little miracle and he or she has your heart within seconds.

I know I may get some kick back, because I already have. “How hard is it to just cut sugar out?” or “Cut back on what you eat?” See it is not just that simple in my life. There are people that live a very normal life with type 2 diabetes and it’s all about control. No matter how many times I count those carbs, cut out the sugar, cut out the whites and control what I eat.  At some point my body just isn't going to produce the insulin needed to regulate my body. So it doesn't matter what I eat or how little I eat. My body fights against me between the lupus and the diabetes.

I always fear what that number is going to be and when it’s high. I feel like I failed. And then the questions of Why? Why can’t I have a normal pregnancy like so many women I know?  Why me? 

So that’s when I remember coming across a devotional called “Replacing My Cravings”, by Lysa TerKeurst.  The opening verse was:

"Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my king and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." Psalm 5:1-3

It hit me. The Lord hears me and He sees what I go through. He was teaching me that I was more focused on my next meal, planning what to eat and when to eat. It consumed me. I was craving food more than I craved time with the Lord. I was focusing on my problems instead of focusing on His word and turning to the Lord to get me through these next 5-6 months. This isn’t permanent. No season ever is, it’s temporary. And I heard on the radio the other day, if He brings you to the mountain He will give you the tools to get over it.

So, I realized I was focusing on the fear and worrying of this diagnosis instead of His word. I was letting my circumstances define who I was. And if I have learned anything in the past 3 years with my walk with Christ, is that my circumstances do not define me. I am defined by His word!

Changes

            "Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter;
                                 we are all the work of your hand. Isaiah 64:8"

A few weeks back I was reading my devotion and it was titled "I am the Potter". This is what it said "Talk with Me about what you are experiencing. Let My spirit guide you through treacherous waters. As you move through the turbulent stream with Me, let circumstances mold you into the one I desire you to be. Say yes to your Potter as you go through the day." Through the past two years, we have had our share of storms and currents. I know that we will always go through storms But those words keep playing over in my head lately, "Let My spirit guide you through treacherous waters." I have a tendency to fight the current and try to "control" everything. 
         
Jayson is being laid off in June, and for the longest time he didn't have a job offer. I just kept praying that something would open. I went home one weekend last month and I remember standing in church, weeping, scared and torn. I was fighting the current, I was too prideful to walk down that aisle and admit I needed help. We couldn't do this without His help. He had always provided in the past, but time was passing by and I was scared he wouldn't find a job. I needed someone to pray with me, that a job would come open. Our pastor called one more time for anyone that needed to be prayed with. I let my pride go and walked out. A very sweet lady prayed with me, who had been in our shoes before. (God always places people in our lives for a reason) I laid it at his feet. And walked away, within a week, Jayson got a call about a job. A job at the main plant in Charleston, SC. It would be a permanent job, not a contract. Praise God! 

As most people know that are close to us, we had to give up our home in Beaufort. That has been a 2 year battle that is finally over. The house is gone, it is no longer ours. Some days I still don't know why I am so attached to that place, but there again it is where our family was born. We brought Jacob home in that house. But I now I know that in order for Jayson & I to be where we are today spiritually we had to almost lose it all. 

My childhood was influenced greatly by my grandparents. I spend most of my time with them and we even lived with them at one point when I was a young child. They are like parents to me. In the past year, I have watched them battle many different health problems. But the hardest has been watching my Nana lose her memory. She is my rock and my best friend. When I felt like a storm was coming she would remind me things will work out. And now I have to remind her that we will get through this one day at a time. She is a strong women and I am the women I am because of her. She has always kept me in line. I am so fortunate to have her in my life and so grateful for her. So now I pray for the good days, for the days when she can talk to me. And on the bad days we make do. 

Our preacher said a few weeks back your either coming out of a storm, getting ready to go through one and in the middle of one. As for me I feel the rain coming. Even though I am scared. I know He stands beside me, and He will give me strength. So I will continue to praise him through the rain because through my weakness I am strong because of Him.  

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

The Reason Why I haven't Blogged

I am sorry I haven't blogged in forever. It has not been intentional. I decided to return back to school this past fall and continue my education and hopefully in 2 months I will have an additional license for MRI. I also had to have surgery around Christmas, so needless to say it has been pretty chaotic in this household.  In the coming months I am afraid to say it may even get more busy. I don't know what the Lord has in store for us.

What has Mr. Jacob been up these days? Jacob is Jacob, there is no child like him I have ever met. He is such a blessing to our lives. He keeps me going everyday. His smile and his spunk is truly a gift from God. You could be having the worst day and his laughter and smile will brighten any dark room. I am so blessed to watch him grow up. I cannot believe he will be 3 in 4 months! Where does the time go. His speech and vocabulary are improving each and everyday. He use to always tell us "Night, Night" when it was time for him to go to sleep. Last night he said "Goodnight, Daddy." My heart just melted. He is such an active child, but so much like his Dad. He loves to climb and explore. But yet he's like me in so many ways, always wants to be on the go. He has changed so much in such a little amount of time. I know that if I don't do anything else right in my lifetime I have done right by him.

Amidst the possible changes coming in the next couple months, I was reminded that even though things change around us constantly, one thing remains unchanged, God is Good and God is able. He will never change nor leave us. That there will always be storms in our lives, we just have to have faith in Him that he will bring us through this storm. Jayson and I have survived some pretty tough patches. I know that we will survive this one.

Every Name Has a Story

A few nights ago I was having a conversation with a dear friend, and somehow part of my testimony came into the conversation. I felt compelled to share my story, in the past few weeks I have had a few people tell me I need to share my story. I hope my story helps someone, as other's have helped me. 

I was born and raised in the mountains of South Carolina. I was raised in Church on and off my entire life. My life was a roller coaster. At one point I thought I was saved and thought I was living the right life. Then I drifted from Christ and church. I wasn’t living the life I should have been living. I lived in sin. I now know that I never knew Christ the way I do today. I know that he has always been beside me, but I never had a relationship with him till January 2011. 

A friend of mine had posted on her facebook a link to Newspring Church right after Christmas of 2010. So, I clicked on it and if my memory is right it was the first Sunday of 2011. I was hooked; I wanted to know more about this Church and Christ. The next Sunday they started a new series called Make War. The first week’s sermon was titled Choosing sides. (By the way you can find all this at Newspring.cc)

“And the Philistines stood on the mountain on the one side, and Israel stood on the mountain on the other side, with a valley between them.”—1 Samuel 17:3

Two mountains. Two camps. Two sides. There’s no middle ground; the battle is going to happen in the valley in between. Are you going to run and hide? Or stay and fight? Newspring.cc

Pastor Perry preached about life and death; you are either with Christ or against him. Either you’re alive or you’re dead. That sermon spoke to me in so many ways. I had been running from Christ, putting him off for years and using the excuse that I couldn't find a church to call home. I had been telling myself that I didn't need a Church to be a Christian. Man, oh man, was I wrong. We cannot do life alone.  January 9, 2011. I accepted Christ into my heart and I knew he was there with me. I was determined to change my life from there on out. We started watching every Sunday online. But my heart still felt empty. Like I was missing something, I had an empty place in my heart. I wouldn’t fill that hole until 2012 when we joined Newspring. But I still had some very rough months ahead of me.

In the spring Jayson was to get out of the Marines. He had done his 8 years and it was time for us to move on. I feared that he wouldn’t be able to find a job. All the jobs that we told would be there when he got out in Beaufort fell through. From April till June Jayson applied to many different jobs. The only job that seemed like it could have potential was in Sumter, SC. I prayed and prayed for Jayson to find a job locally. Nothing happened, so I prayed for God to break my heart to show me his will and what he wanted in our lives. That if we needed to move to get a job, we would. The week before Father’s day, Jayson got the job in Sumter.

I went through so many emotions; gratitude, devastation, sadness, anger. You name it I felt it. I had to quit my job that I had worked so hard to finally get. We had to move out of our home, and I wouldn’t be able to see my god daughter on a daily basis anymore.  My dreams crashed and burned.

So, as I stood in my empty living room the first week of July. I cried and cried. Our lives were changing. The life we knew was no longer. I tried to remain calm and cling to my faith that month. I knew that God had something planned for us. Even though I did not like any of the change that was happening; Jayson had a job and we were healthy. Can you tell I didn’t like change?

Change had to happen. At this point, we still did not have anyone to rent our home. I didn’t have a job, so we were forced to put the house up for a short sale. And I prayed to God that it would sell and wouldn’t go into foreclosure.  It still is currently for sell.

So months went by and I still didn’t have a new job. So I was forced to stay home with Jacob. And I know that most people think that is a blessing, but at that time I didn’t. I felt as if I had failed. All that I had done was for nothing. Being a stay at home mom was never in my plans. However, it was in God’s plans.

 I started attending Newspring in October of 2011. Jayson was on nights and wasn’t able to attend with me at that time. I finally felt like I had a church to call home. I had been attending for about a month and then I felt the Lord calling me to be baptized, that I needed to take that next step, to have faith, and go public. It wasn’t the first time I felt this, but I knew I needed to do it now.

So, the Sunday before Thanksgiving I was baptized. I also felt God telling me I needed to tithe. To stop ignoring it and stop tithing when I felt it was convenient for me. I needed to start putting him first in every way in our lives. I had surrendered every other way in my life but tithing. I was scared and worried we wouldn’t make it if I tied. Within one month of us tithing Jayson was given overtime. Jayson’s pay is based on salary. So, most people don’t get overtime when they reach eighty hours. But his work allowed this.  Looking back now it was same exact amount I was making when I worked, after I paid daycare for Jacob. That is the only place in the bible the Lord says we can test him.

¹⁰ Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the Lord Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it. Malachi 3:10 (NIV)

Time and time again the Lord continues to provide for our family. Since we started tithing, Jayson has received two raises. My school has been paid for and we found a home to rent after the current one has been sold.

In December I picked Jacob up from Kidspring and I met someone that Jacob had taken to. He had a buddy, named Brad. Jacob is a very loving child and will go to anyone. But He took to Brad and Brad became close to Jacob. I still was searching for a small group. He said that he would get his wife to call me and they would find a group for us. Over the next few weeks I feel back into a routine of just attending Church on Sunday. Nothing changed; I didn’t allow anything to change. I was stuck again.

Then one Sunday in February, I bumped into Brad’s wife, Aimee and their two little boys. I introduced myself and Jacob. Then after the service I had sat down with her to talk. She told me how much a difference Jacob made in Brad’s life. That Jacob had such a special heart. I was blown away with that; that my little boy could make such a difference in someone’s life. I was in awe of how God uses children to heal people. So Aimee took down my number and invited us their small group.

Jayson still hadn’t attended church with me more than a few times, partially because of work and I’m still not sure the reason why for the other times. So, I took him to their small group one night in March but told him it was a dinner at the Knights house. Wasn’t completely honest with him, oops! Sorry Jayson. From that moment on we had a small group. I have never felt more welcome by a group of Christians and loved by them.

That next month brought more change into my life. I had been battling depression for many months and was in denial about it. I broke down. I was damaged. I was hurt and I didn’t know how to fix it. No one really knew about everything I was battling. Not until I broke down with Jayson did he know. But two incredible women at church made me feel that being damaged is okay. They taught me that we cannot do things alone and in Christ there is no Condemnation. They prayed with me and for the first time ever I felt like I could overcome this. I left everything at the cross.  

Jayson started attending church with me more and more. By the end of April we were owners and Jayson was baptized.  We have a church to call home finally!!

For 7 years I had been praying that Jayson would come to Christ and all along he had given his heart to Christ in boot camp. He just never continued with finding a church and pursuing him afterwards. Something I didn’t know until we joined Newspring. After that Jayson was baptized in April and we both became active in the church. I continue to see God change Jayson and I.

One of the core values of Newspring is that Growing people change. For someone that doesn’t like Change. I welcome this change. Because I know there is a greater plan for my life. God has plans for Jayson and I. I don’t know what they are. But even though I don’t always like the change that has happened in the past year, I know it was necessary. Because Jayson and I wouldn’t be where we are today without that change. I know that through all the health problems Jayson and I both struggle with, our marriage, our lives. God is there, everything has to go through his hands.

I am overwhelmed by the amount of Joy I have in my life now. I know that there will be hard days. I still struggle with my depression. But I pick up my cross daily. Because I know Jesus is with me. Nothing will take me down when he is beside me. And the days when my burdens are too much, he will carry them for me. 

Blue Ridge, GA

July started with us in the Mountains. I grew up in the moutains and I loved it as a child. But I have to say the beach is where my heart is now. But we enjoyed so much getting to spend time with Jayson's family. They rented a cabin up in the heart of the blue ridge mountians, in Georgia about an hour north of Clayton Georiga. May or may not had a small heart attack getting there lol. Here are some pictures from the trip!

But Before we headed to the moutains little man had to have "a wide" on the golf cart at Papa & Grandma's house. lol

The view from the front porch of the cabin

The second day in the mountains we were able to drive up to Amicalola Falls State Park where you can see three states at once, Georgia, Tennessee and North Carolina. We had a nice lunch and then we went walking to see the highest waterfall in Georgia. However, little man wasn't having us walking to the bottom of it. So I only got pictures of the top.

Jacob, Tyler & Conner!

The view of three states

The top of the waterfull it was 465 steps to the bottom

Jay &  Me. The man refuses to smile in pictures

The day before we left we went downtown Blue ridge to play putt putt and gem mine. Well, the putt putt didn't work out. But he did get to find some really cool gems. We went walking around downtown and they had the train parked near by. Jacob loves trains, maybe next year we will take him on it. 

Gem Mining with the grandparents!

My little water duck!

 The boy loves to swim. He swam for over 4 hours. and kept jumping off the diving board. My little daredevil. Lord help me! But that was our week vacation in the mountains/The Big Toe House! For the ones that don't know our house is called The Little Toe house ( because no one ever pernounces our last name right lol)

The Crazy Month Of June

 

I’m sorry that I haven’t blogged in a long time. The month of June was a pretty crazy month. As most of our family knows Jayson works two months on nights and two months on days and so forth. We got news that he would have to go to Virginia for two weeks initially. Well, those 2 weeks turned into almost the entire month of June. I hated it, but it the past year I have learned that through the uncomfortable moments we go through something better comes out of it. Maybe not always at first, but in the end its better than what I ever would have thought.

At first I was bitter, how could this happen? Jayson only gets two months on days and one of those months was taken from us. I cried, I prayed and prayed some more for peace with this decision. In beginning I did not like the decision of it being more than 2 weeks. But I had no choice but to go with it and in the end it worked out.  Jayson was given an extra month of days and the time away gave us money to spend with family. So I try to remind myself that God has something better for us always. We just have to keep our faith in him, that in those moments that we are uncomfortable He is working on something greater for us.

I don’t think my car has ever had so many miles on it. But I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I was blessed to be home for a week with my sisters. I watched my baby sister walk across the stage and receive her high school diploma. Something I didn’t get to see my middle sister do. However, at the same time I was home to help with my beautiful niece, Macie. She makes number four! Jacob was able to spend time with his cousins and I was able to be there for both of my sisters. With the good always comes the bad though, my Papa had another heart attack this month as well.  He’s still recovering from it and is home. But still having problems from the heart cath. Please continue to pray for my Papa.

The following week I was so fortunate to spend time with my adopted sister and my beautiful God daughter. We got to do some shopping and cooking together. And of course some beach therapyJ.  The beach always heals my worries. I swear putting your feet in the sand and the sun on your face is a great medicine.

Then Jayson was able to fly home for Father’s day. We had a nice quiet weekend with Jay & my baby sister. It’s such a blessing when Jayson has off on Sundays and is able to be with us at church. Something that I use to take for granted; don’t get me wrong I am very thankful he has a job. For now we make this work.  It makes my heart so happy to see both of us active in church. Something I have yearned for and prayed for, for many years. I am so grateful that we have been fortunate and blessed to be a part of Newspring. I love our church!!

Miss Zoe came and stayed with us for a few days here in manning; she was such a blessing. Then we went back to Beaufort for a few more days. Again, I wasn’t kidding when I said I put some miles on this car. But the time I get with her is so precious now.  I miss so much seeing her everyday, and living the next street over. I am so grateful that her parents allow us to be a part of her life and watch such an amazing little girl grow up. I am so proud to call her my god daughter.  

Then we had a week back here in manning and headed upstate for Jacob’s 2^nd birthday. Oh my, where has the time gone? The heat forced us indoors that weekend but by the grace of God. I was able to get an indoor bounce house for his birthday on a 48hr notice. Which we all can say turned out great for the little ones. I still cannot believe it was 114 in the upstate that day. I cannot thank everyone enough for making his day so special. It meant the world to us for him to have all of our family there. 

So through all the bumps, and the disappointments of June, we were blessed with time with family and friends.  I thank the Lord everyday for all that he does for us. Even when I think something isn’t going to work out it does for the best. I attached some pictures from June. 

My Beautiful Sis, Courtney

Little Man on the beach

Happy Birthday Jacob! 

Casey, Me, Brit & Courtney

Singing happy birthday! He couldn't wait for the cupcakes

Miss Macie & Casey