Craving the Lord More than I Crave Food.

I have always loved to cook and in kitchen is where I find my comfort. Probably because I was raised in the South, where food is comfort. Having a Nana that taught me to cook. I love to host dinner parties and share recipes. Try new foods and restaurants. I love food!

About a year ago Jayson and I started talking about having another child, to give little man a sibling. I knew in my heart though what that entailed. The toll it would take on my body. Let me be the first to say this is not a blog to complain or whine. Between the lupus and the diabetes, I knew they both would rear their ugly heads at some point. I didn't know how God would use this to open my eyes.

We got pregnant October of 2013. We were so excited.  But then the diabetes started 12 weeks earlier this time. 12 weeks before I was ready. 12 weeks too soon. It hit me like a brick wall. So, I sat in my closet and cried for almost an hour. I knew it was coming, I knew it when I took both of my glucose tests, I felt in the pit of my stomach. I failed them before the doctor ever called with the results.

I know there are far worse things to be diagnosed with. And for all the brave and incredible women I know that were on bed rest, carried multiples or just had a rough pregnancy. I get it. Those pregnancies are hard. And I know women who would trade places with me in a split second just to be a mom. I cannot imagine how hard that is. I know every mom makes sacrifices to have a child, in some way or another.

I’m not asking for a pity party. I am just trying to give another women hope, that there are women out there that despise what pregnancy does to their body. Don’t get me wrong it is definitely worth it in the end, when you hold that little miracle and he or she has your heart within seconds.

I know I may get some kick back, because I already have. “How hard is it to just cut sugar out?” or “Cut back on what you eat?” See it is not just that simple in my life. There are people that live a very normal life with type 2 diabetes and it’s all about control. No matter how many times I count those carbs, cut out the sugar, cut out the whites and control what I eat.  At some point my body just isn't going to produce the insulin needed to regulate my body. So it doesn't matter what I eat or how little I eat. My body fights against me between the lupus and the diabetes.

I always fear what that number is going to be and when it’s high. I feel like I failed. And then the questions of Why? Why can’t I have a normal pregnancy like so many women I know?  Why me? 

So that’s when I remember coming across a devotional called “Replacing My Cravings”, by Lysa TerKeurst.  The opening verse was:

"Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my king and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." Psalm 5:1-3

It hit me. The Lord hears me and He sees what I go through. He was teaching me that I was more focused on my next meal, planning what to eat and when to eat. It consumed me. I was craving food more than I craved time with the Lord. I was focusing on my problems instead of focusing on His word and turning to the Lord to get me through these next 5-6 months. This isn’t permanent. No season ever is, it’s temporary. And I heard on the radio the other day, if He brings you to the mountain He will give you the tools to get over it.

So, I realized I was focusing on the fear and worrying of this diagnosis instead of His word. I was letting my circumstances define who I was. And if I have learned anything in the past 3 years with my walk with Christ, is that my circumstances do not define me. I am defined by His word!