Learning To Give Up Control

⁹ His wife said to him, “Are you still maintaining your integrity? Curse God and die!” ¹⁰ He replied, “You are talking like a foolish^[a] woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” In all this, Job did not sin in what he said. Job 2:9-10

Reading the book of Job this morning. Seeing the struggles he went through and how his circumstances around him seemed hopeless. He still continued to worship the Lord.  Then you see three of his friends go out and search for him. They wanted to find him and sympathize and comfort him during his darkest days. And when they found him they didn't leave him once they saw how bad his circumstances were. They stayed with him for seven days and seven nights.

After reading the first two chapters I realized storms are going to come, we aren't called to an easy life with no struggles as Christians.  There will be good days, months and even years. But those storms will come and when they do we have to learn to lean on Him. That He will give us the tools and His strength to get through these storms.

Job had a hopeless situation, but he kept his hope and his friends came to support him through his storm. That we were put here on this earth with a purpose and for a purpose. We cannot do life alone. When the storms come we have to lean on the people around us.

We may be facing another move again. When I found this out, I said to myself really? This can’t be true. We have moved every summer for the past three years. I started to feel like our summer months have been cursed. That the storms have come every summer for the past three years. Jayson has changed jobs two times in three years, which was out of his control. We have moved three times in three years. Fear was crippling me.

Then I started trying to plan and figure out the “what if’s”.  Can I really pack us up one more time? I mean after eight years in the Marine Corps you think I’d be a pro at moving us! Can we afford another move? How will little man react to moving again? Can I really do this pregnant? Then I had to stop myself with the questions, and I remembered the past 3 years. Each and every move has been a blessing, and each and every move has been provided for us. That the best is yet to come. Have faith.

He reminded me through my devotion “Your fear often manifests itself in excessive planning, your mind is so accustomed to this pattern of thinking that you are only now becoming aware of how pervasive it is and how much it hinders your intimacy with me.”

So, I know my little storm is so minute compared to some around me. Which their world is crashing and burning right now.  My heart breaks for these people that we know. I know we have gone through worse storms than this one, it’s all about His timing not mine. That I have to stop trying to control and plan the situations. 

Craving the Lord More than I Crave Food.

I have always loved to cook and in kitchen is where I find my comfort. Probably because I was raised in the South, where food is comfort. Having a Nana that taught me to cook. I love to host dinner parties and share recipes. Try new foods and restaurants. I love food!

About a year ago Jayson and I started talking about having another child, to give little man a sibling. I knew in my heart though what that entailed. The toll it would take on my body. Let me be the first to say this is not a blog to complain or whine. Between the lupus and the diabetes, I knew they both would rear their ugly heads at some point. I didn't know how God would use this to open my eyes.

We got pregnant October of 2013. We were so excited.  But then the diabetes started 12 weeks earlier this time. 12 weeks before I was ready. 12 weeks too soon. It hit me like a brick wall. So, I sat in my closet and cried for almost an hour. I knew it was coming, I knew it when I took both of my glucose tests, I felt in the pit of my stomach. I failed them before the doctor ever called with the results.

I know there are far worse things to be diagnosed with. And for all the brave and incredible women I know that were on bed rest, carried multiples or just had a rough pregnancy. I get it. Those pregnancies are hard. And I know women who would trade places with me in a split second just to be a mom. I cannot imagine how hard that is. I know every mom makes sacrifices to have a child, in some way or another.

I’m not asking for a pity party. I am just trying to give another women hope, that there are women out there that despise what pregnancy does to their body. Don’t get me wrong it is definitely worth it in the end, when you hold that little miracle and he or she has your heart within seconds.

I know I may get some kick back, because I already have. “How hard is it to just cut sugar out?” or “Cut back on what you eat?” See it is not just that simple in my life. There are people that live a very normal life with type 2 diabetes and it’s all about control. No matter how many times I count those carbs, cut out the sugar, cut out the whites and control what I eat.  At some point my body just isn't going to produce the insulin needed to regulate my body. So it doesn't matter what I eat or how little I eat. My body fights against me between the lupus and the diabetes.

I always fear what that number is going to be and when it’s high. I feel like I failed. And then the questions of Why? Why can’t I have a normal pregnancy like so many women I know?  Why me? 

So that’s when I remember coming across a devotional called “Replacing My Cravings”, by Lysa TerKeurst.  The opening verse was:

"Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my king and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." Psalm 5:1-3

It hit me. The Lord hears me and He sees what I go through. He was teaching me that I was more focused on my next meal, planning what to eat and when to eat. It consumed me. I was craving food more than I craved time with the Lord. I was focusing on my problems instead of focusing on His word and turning to the Lord to get me through these next 5-6 months. This isn’t permanent. No season ever is, it’s temporary. And I heard on the radio the other day, if He brings you to the mountain He will give you the tools to get over it.

So, I realized I was focusing on the fear and worrying of this diagnosis instead of His word. I was letting my circumstances define who I was. And if I have learned anything in the past 3 years with my walk with Christ, is that my circumstances do not define me. I am defined by His word!